Just back from a whirlwind trip to France and Italy, what an amazing time but honestly, it went way too fast!  Catching myself searching for apartment rentals in Paris during the last leg of my trip.  The clock was ticking and I was seriously at a loss as to what I should do.  Texting both my sons, ” should I stay or come home?” Gotta love my boys, “you do you, mom”, they’re always encouraging me to get out of my comfort zone.  In the end, I chickened out, not able to face my fears and decided that going home was the best decision. Damn it!! What was the rush to get home? I’m having serious regrets…

I’m not going to lie, coming back to an empty home was emotional on so many levels. With both boys away at school and no dog, just trying to breathe and keep it together is all I can seem to do these days.  It’s hard to know where I belong or where I’m supposed to be, finding myself at odds.  Omg, I need to give my head a fricken shake!


Running away from life won’t solve ANYTHING, which is literally what I’ve been doing.  You can’t just drop everything and leave, or can you? But aren’t we all running away from one thing or another?  Is fear stopping us (me) from moving forward?  I’ve only known this life, my life and I’ve been at it for many years. It’s scary to think I can do it differently.  What does that even look like?


I’m sure we can all agree that most of us struggle with a bit of self-doubt, perhaps overthinking situations, wishing we could do differently. With that, I say, LET IT GO…stop playing that movie in your head, it will eat you up!  I’m trying to get those images out of my head and start fresh with a clean slate. Hanging on to the past will only drag you deeper into that rabbit hole and who the fuck wants to live in a rabbit hole?!


Stop over-thinking shit, which has been my daily mantra. Turning the control switch off,  another hard thing to do but I’m trying. What if I just let the chips fall where they may and stop worrying about “what if”? Changing my wording to “whatever” and being ok with the outcome, facing my fears.


Whatever my decisions are going forward, I have to kick “fear’s” butt, or I will always be wondering, “what if?”  Life is full of excitement, surprises and miracles, I’m not about to get in the back seat and watch it go by.


Paris will always be there waiting for me, timing is everything AND maybe this wasn’t the time for me to stay. Paris, not unlike a lover, if it’s meant to be it will happen, making sure “fear” stays out of my plans going forward, “whatever” those plans will be.

3 thoughts on “Breathe

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