June 13, 2018

Family Matters

“They say” you can choose your friends but not your family. I’m sure that statement rings true for a lot of us. Our families, even at the best times, can drive us nuts, laughing at our crazy stories. What if I told you that you may not be speaking to your family at some point in your life? Your reaction would most likely be, “That’s ridiculous; we’re a close family; how could that be possible?”

I am here to tell you it is possible, and I play this scenario repeatedly in my head and trying not to let it bother me. However, I was raised in a family of “see it, say it.” I guess the other extreme would be to say nothing at all. I struggle to make sense of this. Being unable to find the right words, being stubborn or needing to be right isn’t the solution.

Communication or lack of, for example, take my “in-laws” (I’m sure there’s a joke in there somewhere). During my split with my husband, I was very focused on ensuring he and I had a civil and kind relationship. Trust me, we had our moments, but at the end of the day, we share two children we both love and adore. Wouldn’t being friendly and kind be easier than being right?

Everyone has a breakup story, some good, some bad and, well, my in-laws thought differently. It’s been 3 1/2 years since I’ve heard a boo, making me sad for them and everything they miss out on. Sure, they get an occasional visit from their grandsons in the summer and on Christmas Eve, but what about everything else in between?

This resurfaced for me recently due to the upcoming celebrations of my younger son’s graduation. It was emotional and sad to think this once-close family has torn apart because of a few stubborn egos.

It’s so ridiculous! I’m trying to keep things in perspective, regardless of absent in-laws. That said, wouldn’t you want to resolve these issues moving forward? Isn’t there more to lose than not? It’s obvious to me, but maybe I’m too much of an idealist. I know, sometimes families can’t be fixed, I don’t understand it, but I get it.

I have to believe my husband, and I have done it right. After all, we’re the grown-ups here, trying to set an example, but it can sometimes be challenging. There will be many more celebrations in the future; sadly, this family can’t figure it out.  

Although I wish I knew how to solve it, I wiped my hands off this a while ago. That said, it still bothers me. They’re not even my parents, except that their actions affect all of us, and that’s the kicker! I believe in unconditional love, and we can agree to disagree, not run when the shit hits the fan or abandon ship. WTF, who does that?!

the Urban Dictionary’s definition of family;

“A group of people, usually of the same blood (but do not have to be), who genuinely love, trust, care about and look out for each other. Not to be mistaken with relatives sharing the same household who hate each other. REAL family is a bondage that cannot be broken by any means.”

I think this sums it up quite nicely! I love my family, my REAL family. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do, say, help or fight for to be in their lives. So, remember, when things get heated up, communicate this love because, in the end, family matters.


The comments +

  1. Adrienne says:

    You are like family to me Llorea, the sister I never had. Communicating my love here.

  2. Paulette Bornestig says:

    I do agree that it sounds like you and Kevin have done your “split” right. You have put your children first. You have remembered that at one time there was great love that made these beautiful children. You are sharing in their biggest moments with joy and kindness. Sometimes there is no explanation behind other’s actions. Yup, families are complicated xoxo

  3. michele says:

    Hello, you’ve heard of my in laws right? You are not alone in this

  4. We have some similarities in the way our divorces went and how the relationship with our ex spouses are, even a little in the ages of our children. My daughter just graduated from college, so I spent a little time around a small sample of my inlaws (the good ones who still welcome me with open arms, treat me like someone who was their brother for 25 years) then. Last night was dinner with my ex and children, a birthday celebration for our son — actually a very pleasant time. My wife invited me over to have cake after dinner at the restaurant, seemed eager to show me some of the stuff in her/their life.

    My other ex inlaws have made me a pariah. That includes my ex FIL, who has not said a word to me since the divorce became known. I am not that sad about it, truthfully, although I miss some of my ex brother in laws.

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