October 16, 2017

What’s Next?

For those following me on my journey, this may seem like an obvious question: What’s next? What is life like after 24 years of marriage, separation, and divorce? I’m struggling to figure this out, and I know I’m not the only person out there asking the same question.

So, like death, you need to grieve the person who is no longer in your life, and for me, until the hurt stops, I have to be strong and not look back. This is in NO way a pity party; I am moving forward to better things and trying to figure out my next chapter. You can drive yourself crazy, trying to analyze “what went wrong?”

However, looking back at my wedding photos, not only were we both mere children, but what were the expectations? Now, in my 50s, I’m a different person (yes, and I look older too). We both changed, but at what point did the love change? Isn’t happily ever after supposed to be unconditional?

Hilary Clinton recently wrote a book titled “What Happened,” revealing what she thought and felt during one of the most controversial and unpredictable presidential elections in history. I get it, Hilary! There’s nothing like having the rug pulled out from underneath you. I am not comparing myself to Hilary by any stretch of the imagination, but here’s a strong woman devastated by the outcome. I, too, share that exact moment, getting kicked in the heart not once but twice, only to find myself back in the same place again; my book would be titled “What (the F) just happened?”

As you do, I picked myself up again, brushed myself off, and ensured my happily ever after partner was tucked into his new home, safe and sound, because you do this unconditionally. Right? I can’t remember what was said or how I felt; it was like an out-of-body experience. As I left his new home, with the door closing behind me, I wondered, was he sad that I was on the other side of it?

One door closes, and another opens; now what? Do I succumb to the plethora of dating websites “Tinder,” “Bumble,” or “Plenty of Fish”? To my son’s horror, “Mom, those are hook-up sites,” to which I responded with, “Then where do I meet my tall, dark and handsome?” I’m not ready to be put out to pasture. I have many great years to be shared with someone wonderful. To quote Charlotte York, “I’ve been dating since I was fifteen! I’m exhausted! Where is he?” Exactly where is he?

Elizabeth Gilbert travelled the world to find her true love in “Eat, Pray, Love,” even though she found love, the 12-year relationship recently ended. This makes me question whether there is such a thing as happily ever after. Does it exist? Maybe we need several chapters? A few good page-turners are okay; you must keep going forward like a book. I have always been and always will be a hopeless romantic.

Even as Katie swept the hair off Hubble’s forehead in “The Way, We Were,” I still hoped for a different outcome. It’s human nature to want and be loved; finding that special person to share that love with is the challenge.

As for “what’s next?” My next chapter? I hope there will be a handsome leading man, love and happiness, and lots of steamy bits, and yes, I want the part where they ride off into the sunset. But is that really too much to ask?



The comments +

  1. Stephanie says:

    My darling cousin, as I sit here eating avocado brownies and drinking a Merlot named after a Rooster I feel compelled to share having been through this twice…yes twice…and I too grew up in a home where parents were devoted to each other and I read/watched far too much literature about “happily ever after” but before you stop reading and think this will be all negative my darling it will be the opposite.,,.and btw I can’t go back and spell check or fix grammar so this will be raw as hell. So here it goes…happily ever after does exist…just not like we thought it did. Traditional Christian roles has I believe left us feeling like if we’re in our situation we’ve failed, done something wrong, weren’t mindful, made bad choices blah blah blah…however I believe that as you touched on we were meant to enter into relationships in order to help one another learn lessons our souls needs in order to grow. Over simplified? Tinder, bumble, e harmony…everyone is at different levels of growth so these sites are like shit shows..yup…forcing us to look within and figure out who we are and where we are. One of the best exercises I did what writing a list of all the qualities I wanted in a partner, theeeennnn the next step is to look at yourself to see what you had to work on in order to attract that in a mate. Shit I had every freaking quality and more!!! It made the humble, sad part of me go “what a minute” I’m actually very cool and yes I can say that because its true!!! Any guy would be lucky to be with me!!! ok then so the tables turn here and it gets back to WHY have I not met “HIM”. So the question is “Who the hell is this elusive dude and why is God not sending him to me so I can just bump in him in the grocery store and have an amazingly intense mad passionate relationship with? After all we’re in our 50’s, own our sexuality and are constantly witnessing relationships that uuhhh don’t make any sense to us. Choices doll Choices Choices Choices…take your power back as RAM screams…I truly have learned that every single relationship we have been in has taught us something beautiful, either what we want or don’t want, to love unconditionally, to live with INTENSION OF LOVE AND PEACE full stop…no expectations, absolutely none…love and give..in that there will be growth with every person you are in contact with and at the end of the day what could be better? I’ve come across men on dating sites who have forced me to make “Choices” that honors me!!! My intension is to be the best version of myself which in turn will be my gift to the planet in whatever form that takes place with no judgement. So love be good to yourself, honor your gifts that you’ve been given, share them with the rest of us, trust your instincts and know it’s all about growth. We are all in the same place, anyone who tells you different isn’t honoring their truth but that’s ok because we are all learning at a different pace…love and have faith that all is good xoxoxoxoxoxo

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